Kisses in the Time of Coronavirus

Snigger warning.

First, they set their crosshairs on suspected NPAs (New People’s Army). Now, the PDAs. Or what are aptly called lovers who are into public displays of affection.

When I came across Philippine National Police spokesman Brig. Gen. Ildebrandi Usana’s statement (is this even true?) banning public displays of affection — kissing, holding hands, hugs (maybe we should include street corner beso-beso and the commonplace petting in movie houses and landian inside public utility jeepneys) — I immediately recalled what American actress Katherine Hepburn once said about love:

“Love has nothing to do with what you’re expecting to get, only with what you’re expecting to give (which, in our case today, might be the Covid-19).”

Before I get into that, let me remind the public that the ban covers not only couples but family members and friends. Surprisingly, it doesn’t say anything about hugging or kissing enemies and the self-contained halfwit, which, at a time like this, might prove beneficial for mankind.

Back to Kat Hepburn. Her words prove true on occasions that require a bit of distance, such as, tada! — a pandemic.

Research has shown that roughly 80 million bacteria can be transferred during a 10-second kiss — 10 seconds! — including viruses such as the herpes simplex virus (HSV) and cytomegalovirus (CMV).

Scary dudes, if you ask me. We should ban naming children this way.

A kiss could also help transmit meningitis, cold sores, fluids which lead to tooth decay and cavities, and the occasional leafy debris stuck underneath your tongue from last night’s dinner. The latter may help increase your partner’s fiber intake for that much needed sculpt in the abs section, but is not advisable under PNP law.

No wonder some officers occupy more mass than the Church. Debold Sinas’ exercise regimen, however, has that covered.

As we all know, kisses come in different shapes and sizes. There’s the brief peck on the cheeks or lips, signaling a rather mild, friend-zoned relationship.

There’s also the wide-angle, sweaty-tooth-madman, full-body tongue-twister with everything but a meaty buffet thrown into it.

Pretty much the way carnivores do it. I would assume both are forbidden.

But then, of course, this begs the question: what about the rest of the 21 other kisses? I would like to remind the PNP that there are 23 other kisses listed in the Guinness Book of Lip-Smacking Delights, which developed alongside homo sapiens though billions of years of evolution and failed marriages with love dolls.

There’s the French kiss, the single-lip, the all-around American, the lizzy and ice, the nibble, the lip trace, the butterfly, Spiderman, petting, earlobe and hickey, the underwater kiss, the Eskimo, the jawline and chin kisses, and the largely unmentionables.

Will they be banning the flying kiss, too? What about the shy, all-too-Filipino kiss under the covers while the lights are on?

The kiss-ass surely won’t be banned.

Nonetheless, science has all but diminished the importance of paying lip service to those we love most in life, despite the attending health hazards. Did you know that kissing increases brain hormonal activity to the extent that it improves mental and intellectual health?

If such is the case, it would be safe to assume that not too many are getting enough kisses to activate their brains, hence the world’s downward spiral in the area of comprehension.

If Twitter posts are any indication of this intellectual descent, then there you have it. Imbeciles run rampant these days, proving once and for all that kissing might just save us all from sure deterioration.

But then, what about claims by science that kissing boosts immunity? Kissing, if you think about it, works in the same cone as a vaccine — passes around a virus safe enough to boost one’s immunity. Could this be the shot in the arm that we need?

I mean, between Sinovac and kissing my wife, you know what I’d choose.

One other thing I discovered is that kissing — wanton and gratuitous kissing — burns up to 20 calories per minute. That’s 1,200 calories for an hour of passionate kissing, compared to 11.2 calories per minute (about 672 calories an hour) on a treadmill.

I mean, why spend a good P10,000 on an electric treadmill? If the kissing leads you to wanton and gratuitous you-know-what, you’ve beaten the treadmill hands down — and naked to boot.

The thing is, people are not kissing enough as science claims. An average kiss lasts roughly 12 seconds. The early morning piss lasts longer.

Don’t get me wrong. I do understand where our police officials are coming from. The new coronavirus poses more risks without a fascist government getting in the way of our private lives.

I guess banning kisses and hugs is the right thing to do under the circumstances, as long as this fascist government does not overreach and start outlawing other displays of affection in the home, like hurling profanities and baking implements if I neglect to wash the dishes.

They don’t want to piss off my wife. No they don’t.